The Bank Of Horrors..

I've just sold my old trusted Laptop, for pittance, on eBay - and decided to buy a new, all singing, all dancing, replacement.  On Saturday, I found a very good deal on the internet, from a National Reputable Mobile Phone Company... - Like millions before me, I decided to order that using my trusted Credit Card... So, I did, and everything seemed to go according to plan, no problems, no hassle...

2 or so Hours later, I checked and everything seemed to be OK, and also, no one was able to order the same laptop from the website, because I've ordered the last unit they've had in stock.. I was happy that I did, about time something goes my way....

The next day, in the afternoon, Sunday - A Robotic Automated Voice, Rings me from My Bank with regard to the new Transaction - and wanting to confirm that it was me who ordered the Laptop.. The conversation went like this...

[Robo Bank] Good Afternoon - We need to Speak to MR....
[Robo Bank] If this is MR... Please press 1 for Yes and 2 for No
[Me] I pressed 1 - Because I was MR.....
[Robo Bank] For Security Purpose - Can you Key In Your Year of Birth as a 2 Digit Number..
[Me] I Did..
[Robo Bank] If you are not MR... Please hang up now, or else, Enter your Day/Month of Birth as 4 Digits...
[Me] I Did..
[Robo Bank] The Details You've Entered Does Not Match Our Records - Please Try Again...
[Me] So I Did again..
[Robo Bank] The Details You've Entered Does Not Match Our Records - We will transfer you to a Customer Service Adviser As Soon As Possible..

So I waited and waited and waited, eventually an operator somewhere in downtown New-Delhi answered the phone: The conversation went Like this:

[Bank Employee] What is the Problem Mr.... 
[Me] I explained..
[Bank Employee] We need to confirm few security details with you...
[Me] OK
[Bank Employee] What's your date of Birth...
[Me] ..... whatever

[Bank Employee] This is not what we have on our system..
[Me] You are Joking - I should know my date of Birth. Can you check against your records for my other account please...
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir, we are not authorised.

[Me] You have my authorisation todo so..

[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir, because you are not who you say you are..
[Me] Let me think, you've just phoned me on this telephone number, you can confirm all other details with me, address, additional card holders, transaction history, my address, etc, etc... So I must be the person you are after..
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,

[Me] I'm not really asking you for anything - I'm just asking you to check 2 dates of birth and fix one of these at your leisure, you don't even need to talk to me
.[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,
[Me] In Vain and Clutching at Straws - Trust Me - It's Me...
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,
[Me] What can I do now?
[Bank Employee] You need to go to your Bank Branch Tomorrow and Tell Them, They'll ring us and confirm your date of Birth.....
[Me] OK, Thank You...

Comes the Next Day - Monday - I go to the Bank.- wait and wait and wait in a queue..

[Me] I told the Bank Lady on Reception my story; and she Says,
[Bank Employee 2] This has nothing to do with us, Ring the credit Card Company and sort it out that way...
[Me] OK - and I go back home and Ring The Credit Card Company..

So I go back home and ring the Credit Card Company.. And believe me when I say, it's not easy to talk to these people or get hold of them - you have to wait for about 10 or so minutes each time, listening to Green Bloody Sleeves, over and over and over again..

[Credit Card Employee] Hello, how can I help you today,
[Me] Hello, Give them my details and I tell them my Story thus far..
[Credit Card Employee] Sorry, we can't help you on the phone - you have to go to the Bank Branch, with an ID and make sure they ring us from there,
[Me] OK, Thank You - I take my ID's with me and go to the Bank again, Wait and wait and wait in a queue.
[Me] I told the Bank Lady on Reception my story; and this time I had to wait for somebody to see me, my local branch manager - the same person who gave me a loan a month earlier and arranged my remortgage as well around three months before that- I thought I'm on a winner there.. I told him my story again.. He checks my account details... and start questioning me..
[Bank Employee 3] So what is your Date of Birth Then...
[Me] I told him  whatever, whatever, 19 something, something..
[Bank Employee 3] Everything seems to be in order. Let me have a word with them..
[Me] OK, Thank You..
[Bank Employee 3] He rings the Credit Card Arm of the Bank - The Issuers of the Card - Everything seems to be in order here - can we sort this out now..

He chats to them for a while and then tells me that:

[Bank Employee 3] You have failed on 2 Security Checks, and when I asked what those were, he fobbed me off by saying that they are not allowed to disclose this information, and that is why I need to bring 2 forms of ID - As they've lost my original records, which is my fault (obviously)... That way they can update the records and everything else in one go.

I give him my ID's, which constituted of some Credit Cards and statement, he said they can't accept these, and that I needed proper ID's - He kindly offered to tell "Sam" at the front counter of what we need, so that I don't need to wait longer than necessary..

[Me] OK, I said while thinking what a bunch of incompetent idiots I'm dealing with.. I set back for home to bring my 2 forms of Identifications..

I get my Driving License and some bills, statements and other Credit Cards and set back to the Bank..

[Me] Wait in the Queue again to see Sam - I've got the ID's you requested and then some...
[Sam] I'm sorry Mr... we need photo ID's - we can't use these...

Apparently my Driving License was the old style paper one, the one with no photo, hence they could not use it.. OK, I'll go back home and bring something else..

This time, I go back home and collect my Passport and a "Home Office Issued" ID Card - Both Have photos - but sadly my Passport was 2 months out of date, but I thought what the heck - If they don't take the first document, then they will take the second...

So I go back to the Bank and wait in the Queue once again...

[Me] Here we go again - your photo ID..
[Sam] Sorry Mr .... Your passport is out of date and we don't accept your "Home Office" Photo ID.. (I don't blame them, It's only the highest office in the land)..

[Me] OK, Just pretend that its not me and that somebody else has opened 2 accounts with your "Good" Bank, and somehow, someone managed to enter two different dates of Birth for the same person - and you've just spotted that, without me being there - and you wanted to fix the problem, so that both Dates are the same - what would you do., I don't care which date you decide on, as long as you tell me my new official date of Birth...
[Sam] We need two forms of Photo ID to do that..
[Me] Even if it was your fault..
[Sam] Sorry Mr ... We can't help you without the Photo ID's..

[Me] Can you say anything without 2 Photo ID's..

So by now, I was bloody fuming at the stupidity of the whole episode and the people involved - I've been with the same Bank for over 28 years, I've never been overdrawn and I always had money in my account, my wife has a savings account with them and so do my kids, all wages and transactions go through that bank and account all the time.. Oh my God, what have I done.. What a bunch of Bankers... God help me, the country and the economy..

This just reminded me of when we wanted to open a "First Saver" account for my Daughter, she was 2 at the time, at another Bank - "The Royal Bank Of Scotland", they Insisted on having 2 forms of  ID and two recent utility bills, not for me but for my daughter, because a birth certificate was not an adequate document.. Or when another bank, This time "Natwest", decided to Charge Me, because I had less than £200, in my high interest account, and when I wanted to close the account and get my money out, They said - We've already closed that account for you - We did that when the balance reached zero, because we did not want to keep charging you for having less than £200 in your account, what a bunch of kind Bankers (they still managed to steal £135 from me)... Either way, that was then and this is now, and I don't hold any grudges... And as long as I don't use either of the above two banks, well, then I'm happy...

[Me] I get back home, very unhappy - I ring my bank, give them my details and a piece of my mind - they apologise,  I told them, if they still think that I'm not who I say I am, then I don't need to pay my Credit Card Bill now, do I.. They said, oh no - you still have to pay that - well, then can you sort it out so that both dates of birth correspond..
[Bank Operator] Sorry Mr ...., we can't do that without 2 Photo ID's..

I said thank you and put the phone down, and wished that I had the means to tell the Bank to go forth and multiply, or just get them out of my life forever...

My Bank is Lloyds TSB... And its definitely not for the rest of my Journey..
The New Shiny Laptop was a Dell Inspiron 1750
It was on offer at the Car Phone Warehouse...

And My New Shiny Laptop, Well, it just wasn't meant to be:(